I’m gonna keep it real with you folks. If we are being generous and squinting, you can maybe find four compelling Big Ten games on the schedule this week. All 12 teams are in action on Saturday, but not all of these games are created equally. I’m going to dispel with the games against FCS opponents or hapless buy games that have no chance of being competitive first:

The Barely Watchables

Arkansas State at Ohio State – 12pm, BTN

A game so boring that we could barely bring ourselves to talk about it during this week’s premium episode of High Street Freaks. The Buckeyes are favored by 44.5 against Butch Jones’ boys and should win comfortably. Hang around to see the backup quarterbacks.

Western Illinois at Minnesota – 12pm, BTN/streaming

You gotta love getting the Golden Gophers on that coveted BTN Alternate/streaming-only viewing option in this barnburner against Western Illinois. Watch this game if you want to see Mo Ibrahim’s backup, I guess? I’ve got nothing else for you, this will suck.

Indiana State at Purdue – 4pm, BTN/streaming

What’s that??? Another Big Ten Network alternate or streaming game? Yeehaw, let’s ride. Purdue plays its biggest in-state rival as the Sycamores come to town. After a week one thriller against Penn State, the Boilermakers should be able to rest the starters relatively early in this one.

Wagner at Rutgers – 4pm, BTN/streaming

Don’t talk to me if you’re not 1-0 against Boston College this season you bums. The haters and losers, of which there are many, didn’t respect our boy Greg Schiano and his dangerous Scarlet Knights on the road, where they kicked Jeff Hafley’s ass in a battle of former Ohio State coordinators. Rutgers by a million.

Hawaii at Michigan – 8pm, BTN

Man, they are really stashing as many of these games on streaming apps or regional BTN situations as they can. It’s thrilling that the Wolverines are going to take on Timmy Chang’s Hawaii squad in primetime for the starting debut of J.J. McCarthy, who continues to soldier on in his quest to become an accurate quarterback for the first time ever.

Idaho at Indiana – 8pm, BTN/streaming

The dorks and freaks in Bloomington unjustly stole a win from our beautiful Illini last Friday night and we will make them pay. Unfortunately, vengeance must wait for at least one more week as the Vandals roll into town for a bloodbath against Tom Allen’s somewhat-competent football team. I believe that they can do something, I guess.

The “Flip to This if it’s Competitive in the 3rd”s

Ohio at Penn State – 12pm, ABC

This is certainly not going to be an interesting football game, but I’m at least curious to watch Tim Albin’s Ohio Bobcats and see how quickly he’s botched this job since Frank Solich retired. I don’t think very much of this team and Penn State might actually be decent, so this won’t be competitive. But an extended preview of 5-star freshman Drew Allar under center is going to be very fun. QB controversy brewing in State College?

Maryland at Charlotte – 3:30pm, Stadium

God, they are letting Big Ten teams play on Stadium now? This is a disgrace. Charlotte is maybe the worst team in the FBS and Will Healy is totally incompetent. I have no interest in seeing these guys lose by 40 points to a Maryland team that runs three plays on offense. Best of luck to the Terps in setting new school passing records.

Akron at Michigan State – 4pm, BTN/streaming

This is truly just a heinous Big Ten Network slate, they are trying to hide these games from us. Michigan State is a team that is mildly compelling to watch because of how much it’s replacing from last year’s offense. The running back battle between Jarek Broussard and Jalen Berger is compelling, with Berger holding the edge after a week, but other position groups could yield interesting results too. Something to keep an eye on.

Georgia Southern at Nebraska – 7:30pm, FS1

The meeting of the minds between Scott Frost and Clay Helton is too powerful for some of you dweebs to ever comprehend, but just know that someone is leaving this game miserable. Helton is inexplicably trying to run the air raid at one of the most successful option schools in G5 football, while Nebraska loves shooting itself in the foot and be embarrassing more than any other program alive. Frost’s joyless failures continue to mount and there’s always potential for a new one every night. Keep an eye on this score just in case.

The Mostly Interesting Games

Duke at Northwestern – 12pm, FS1

Only in Joe Brandon’s America does this Bowl of the Nerds qualify as a compelling matchup on the Big Ten Slate. Duke honestly looked much better than any of us expected in a 30-0 dismantling of Temple in week one and this game could get interesting if Mike Elko’s defense is actually legit. Northwestern posted a whole lot of yards on Nebraska and appears to have a dynamic running back duo with Evan Hull and Cam Porter but the Wildcats are hardly a sure thing. I’m looking forward to this game a little bit, weirdly. Northwestern is favored by 10.

Wazzu at Wisconsin – 3:30pm, FOX

It is criminal that this game is on FOX while they hide Iowa away from us on BTN. Absolutely abhorrent. They should be ashamed of themselves. Nonetheless, they persisted. This is an ultimate game state test. Washington State, led by Incarnate Word transfer Cam Ward, should theoretically be capable of explosive scoring. If that is true, they can absolutely prove capable of challenging and beating Wisconsin. The Badgers cannot throw the ball and their greatest weapon, Braelon Allen, is far less effective in a game in which they trail. If Wisconsin takes an early lead, however, look out for them to steamroll Wazzu in Camp Randall. Ward was not quite as excellent as we expected in week one, I’m curious to see if that was just early season jitters or he’s not up to this level of competition.

Iowa State at Iowa – 4pm, BTN

This rivalry is truly one of the worst games of the year every season. Kirk Ferentz and his demon spawn Brian are dedicated to ruining offense in football at every chance they get and have continued to deliver on that goal. Since beating Penn State in 2021, the Hawkeyes’ starting quarterback Spencer Petras has thrown just one touchdown pass in his last nine games. Meanwhile, professional loser and dork Matt Campbell remains winless in this rivalry against Iowa and has a nearly entirely new offense of his own. With another elite Iowa defense and the constitutional cowardice of Campbell, a low-scoring Iowa win is all but guaranteed.

Virginia at Illinois – 4pm, ESPNU

I guess this is the Big Ten Game of the Week by default? I will keep picking Illinois games until I am given a reason to stop, especially if Chase Brown keeps delivering performances like he has been. Virginia and Illinois are both one-man shows and it could make for an entertaining back-and-forth matchup. Brown is Illinois’ running back and has already accounted for 372 all-purpose yards and three touchdowns through his first two games this season. Virginia and its first-year head coach Tony Elliott are led by Ohio native and standout quarterback Brennan Armstrong, the exact kind of QB who should be playing in the Big Ten. If you put Armstrong on Illinois, this team is winning eight or nine games and contending for the division crown. Instead, we’ll see these two duke it out, with Illinois as a 4-point favorite.