This article was written by Meet at Midfield member Frank Bumb, whom you might recognize as “Stannerman51” in the forums. You can follow him on Twitter.
Fans of the University of Michigan football program love few things more than flaunting their supposed academic credentials. The term “public ivy” comes up and not in the context of landscaping. You’ll most often see it as a coping mechanism after decades of futility against The Ohio State University. A significant contingent of said fans considers themselves “War Dads.”
They have many leather-bound books that smell of rich mahogany for history of all kinds. They’ll rattle the names of aircraft carriers at Midway, compare their offensive line to the French fighting in the trenches at Verdun and generally lay claim to military history as another flag in their cap over the unwashed degenerates with which they have to share a conference.
But the quintessential Michigan Man® in America’s military history is also one of our nation’s greatest failures.
That’s right, the feckless coward George McClellan, late of the Army of the Potomac in the American Civil War, represents every aspect of the real Michigan Man® to a startling degree.
Let’s start with the academic side of things: McClellan came in second during his time at the US Military Academy at West Point. You know that annoyed him the rest of his life. All that hard work all to get the silver medal to a man mostly lost to history. Much like Michigan Men annoyed that they’re seen as a step below the Ivy League in academia, he papered that over by rising through the ranks with slavish devotion to his higher ups. There’s nothing a Michigan Man loves than bowing to authority. Whether it’s the HOA, police, or lawyers—they love nothing more than an ‘official’ stamp of approval.
Of course, the lure of private sector money couldn’t be long resisted by any true Michigan Man, and so McClellan went into business. But finding civilian life annoying despite the money and perks, McClellan found joy not in spending his money but in spending his time reading all the classic military strategists. The man was a “War Dad” before the internet came along.
But when the biggest show arrived, where was McClellan? When the American Civil War kicked off, states were scrambling for officers to lead hastily called-up militias. McClellan had his pick of several and knew his best bet was in, you guessed it, Ohio!
Because even the “leaders and the best” get their actual seasoning from being born or taught the art of football/war in Ohio. Their best players are usually seduced from Ohio.
Then comes his stint as leading the Union forces on the Eastern front. Anyone who knows anything about the Civil War can recite the failures of McClellan’s leadership during that time. Despite having all the advantages in the world (more men, more guns, and a better logistics network, to name a few) he was routinely outflanked and outmaneuvered by inferiors.
Oh, and before any “War Dads” arrive to say I’m making Ohio State out as that treasonous freak Robert E. Lee… Not hardly. Seeing as Ohio contributed more per capita than any state toward the Union cause and gave the Union Blue (the only context blue is acceptable as a uniform) its best generals, you may want to stay away from that line. But more on that in a second.
McClellan’s string of failures is well-known. But how he failed is what really makes him a Michigan Man.
First, by imagining that his opponents had advantages he didn’t. He routinely overestimated the opposition, whining that he was outnumbered when he wasn’t.
For a fanbase which loves nothing more than whining about such awful crimes as programs letting players reap some material benefit from their labor and then turning around to claim their NIL money can double its rivals… well the similarities are stark.
Second, by being more absorbed in the nerdiest aspect of the conflict. Training regimes, logistics timetables, dockyard schedules, train routing, even McClellan’s sharpest critics didn’t dispute his faculty with a good spreadsheet. Even a man with a Calvin-peeing-on-a-block-M decal on the truck with two sets of truck nuts can’t deny Michigan’s academic prowess.
But when it came time to translate all of that meticulous preparation and “recruiting” into a winning product? Not so much.
Oh sure, he won a few here and there. But all ultimately inconsequential. Why, you might even say he went three for his last 20. Did this fact dull his towering ego? Of course not. He routinely referred to Abraham Lincoln as the “Original Gorilla” among many other insults. But never to his face.
Almost as if he were afraid of the consequences of talking shit one moment and then being faced with the consequences the next. But it’s understandable. What Michigan Man can resist a pithy sound bite after the first victory in five tries knowing you won’t be around for the backlash because you’re heading to Minnesota?
Ah, but you have to stick the landing on that last part.
Because that’s truly what makes a Michigan Man, more than anything else: a sense of arrogance that can fill up rolls of newspapers. A sense of entitlement that academics, wealth, and preparation mean you deserve victories because your plans are oh so perfect.
Ohio State? Ohio State is the guy who risks getting kicked out because you have a bit of a drinking problem. Not overly capable of dressing up and uncaring if said clothes get covered in mud. A tendency to speak bluntly (if we’re being charitable). Successful in business? Not really. Preparation? Sometimes, sometimes not.
An unblemished record? Rarely.
Famously during the battle of Shiloh, the Confederates had almost broken the Union army on the first day of the battle. Major General Ulysses S. Grant (born April 27, 1822, Point Pleasant, Ohio) was resting near a tree around midnight.
Some accounts have him smoking a cigar, others that he was leaning against the tree. Brigadier General William Tecumseh Sherman (born February 8, 1820, Lancaster, Ohio) went to Grant and said “Well, Grant, we’ve had the devil’s own day, haven’t we?”
“Yes. Lick’em tomorrow, though.” Grant replied.
Michigan had their devil’s day in 2021. Saturday’s a new day.
This article was written by Meet at Midfield member Frank Bumb, whom you might recognize as “Stannerman51” in the forums. You can follow him on Twitter.