Here is the important thing you need to know before I continue on with my dumb little jokes: Homefield Apparel is America’s greatest college football t-shirt company and they have finally come to save the Buckeyes from damnation with their Big New Saturday launch. On Saturday, August 20th at 12pm eastern – that’s high noon if you can’t read numbers – Homefield will release a glorious collection of Ohio State t-shirts.
These are soft, stylish shirts that you can wear anywhere a Buckeye fan would want to go and wear Ohio State gear – Kroger, the Horseshoe, your stepdad’s Busch Light-themed garage bar, a pizza place called Possum Pies with no tables in it, Out-R-Inn at 7:14am, another team’s sports game… Basically anywhere you can imagine.
You and anyone you know can use the code MEETATMIDFIELD for 15% off your first Homefield purchase and we will give you a big smooch if you do that.
They’ve been teasing out a handful of these glorious shirts and we will be sprinkling those previews into the copy below. What is that copy, you ask? Well, I decided to take a little stroll through the mind palace and imagine what it would be like if Donald Trump’s CPAC speech was actually an ad for Homefield Apparel and the Ohio State drop for Big New Saturday. I hope you enjoy. Please read it in his voice:
Homefield Apparel. I saw your shirts, Homefield. Wow. I saw your shirts. That was something. I said, “Who the hell makes those shirts?” It was Homefield. And they had some of the greatest sponsored content ever. Homefield said, “Yeah, anybody can buy my shirts. Then they take out a shirt, start spinning it around, “But he may not leave the same way.” This is their commercial.
I said, “I don’t know who that is, but I love them.” That was a long time ago, right? And I can say the same thing for Homefield Connor, a real champion. So popular, so popular. Every time we go someplace, they start screaming for you, Connor. You know that. Amazing. Really amazing. Thank you very much. And you’re not responsible for the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire. What a combination those two are. Wow. They are something, but they love our college football…
So as we gather tonight, our college football is being destroyed more from the inside than out. America is on the edge of an abyss. And our t-shirts are the only force on Earth that can save it. This movement right here. What we do in the next few months and the next few years will determine whether Buckeye civilization will collapse or fail, or whether it will triumph and thrive, frankly like never before. This is no time for complacency. We cannot be complacent. We have to seize this opportunity to deal with the radical left Penn State shirt-buyers and fascists from the Florida Gators. And we have to hit them very, very hard. Has to be a crippling defeat, because our fandom cannot take it…
We created a thing called Big New Saturday. They smiled at it. [Other t-shirt companies, redacted] smiled at it. It’s turned out to be so important. As you know, in Big New Saturday for the Buckeyes, not for since seven days Penn State has anything like that been done. Seven days. Penn State was the last one. Now it’s Ohio State. Remember the first day they laughed at itt, “Oh, the Buckeyes.” They thought they were going to beat us, and the public went crazy because you people know much more than they do. They surrendered our strength and our everything, our dignity, and turned Ohio State into the greatest humiliation our Twitter timeline has ever seen. Not the fact that we weren’t buying shirts, because I was the one that got us down to a small number of non-Homefield fans, but we were going to buy shirts with strength and with dignity, and we were going to keep buying shirts, not for Ohio State, but because Penn State’s posting plants are one hour away, where they make their nuclear posts, one hour away. It’s one of the biggest posting factories anywhere in the world. Cost us billions of dollars many years ago. I was going to keep posting…
A woman from Homefield Apparel, a good woman, she said, “You won’t ever get any of these things.” I said to Homefield, who’s fantastic, by the way, “Give me your top 10 things.” I said, “Give me your top 10 things that you want for the Buckeyes.” And they gave me 10, and the woman looked at me, she laughed. She said, “Sir, I’ve been dealing in Ohio for 25 years. You won’t get any.” I said, “No, no, I’ll get them all. I’ll get them all. Guaranteed. Guaranteed, I get them all.” She smiled. She was a good woman, by the way. But she’s been doing this for 25 years. She said, “You won’t get anything.” What happened is the top representative came in. We met in front of this woman and others, and I said, “You’re going to have to give us 28,000 shirts. You’re going to have to do a thing called making shirts in Ohio. In other words, people can no longer come into our great state. You have to remain in Ohio.” Hundreds of thousands of shirts will have been sold in Ohio…
Thank you. Thank you. It’s so sad what’s happened to our great state. We’re like a third world country in our college football t-shirts.. we’re like a third world country in the shirts we have… Has anybody been buying shirts around lately, or trying? We’re like third world. But first we have to win an earth shattering victory for Big New Saturday on August 20. We have to do it, coming up in Big New Saturday. It’s a win in this Big New Saturday. This election needs to be a national referendum on the horrendous catastrophes the radical Penn State fans have inflicted on our country. The Ohio State party needs to campaign on a clear pledge that, if they are given power, they’re going to fight with everything they have to shut down the Nittany Lions, stop the Wolverines, beat Big New Saturday records, and hold the other t-shirt administrations accountable. They have to hold it accountable. Job number one for the next Homefield launch.