I wish I had the words.
When I came to the decision last month that I’d be stepping away from work after football season to take care of my health, I’d hoped giving myself an endpoint would help my ability to write without too much struggle. I took more days off around the bye week than I have in the past.
That’s done little to help except to stave off making matters too much worse. The only way to address Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM) is to drop everything possible in favor of long-term rest, which simply isn’t possible in this line of work. I’ve spent my entire adult life in a cycle of pushing and crashing. My body is tapping out.
The two paragraphs above took about an hour to write. I’m using a universal dark mode plugin on Chrome so I can bear to look at the screen. I can maintain focus for about a minute before my mind drifts. I often catch myself staring at nothing in particular.
Being physically limited is frustrating. It pales in comparison to spending weeks going in and out of brain fog:
And despite its nebulous name, brain fog is not an umbrella term for every possible mental problem. At its core, Hellmuth said, it is almost always a disorder of “executive function”—the set of mental abilities that includes focusing attention, holding information in mind, and blocking out distractions. These skills are so foundational that when they crumble, much of a person’s cognitive edifice collapses. Anything involving concentration, multitasking, and planning—that is, almost everything important—becomes absurdly arduous. “It raises what are unconscious processes for healthy people to the level of conscious decision making,” Fiona Robertson, a writer based in Aberdeen, Scotland, told me.
My best friend since fourth grade got married this weekend in Phoenix, where I used to travel each summer to spend time with him. Despite being a member of the wedding party, I wasn’t there. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make but my health didn’t leave me with another option.
I’m writing this because I don’t know what else to say. I watched Michigan play a football game, two basketball games and a field hockey game over the weekend. It took a lot just to keep some level of focus on those broadcasts. When I sat down to write about them, I couldn’t conjure any depth of memory. I have a general idea of what happened; anything else takes great effort.
I can’t promise I’ll have a lot of good days between now and the end of the season. My writing may take on a broader view and looser scope by necessity. I take a tremendous amount of pride in my work. I’d like to think I have a couple more fastballs left.
My brother is getting married next summer. I want to be present; really present, not hanging on for dear life to get through a social event. There are certain things that no game or work accomplishment can replace. I’ve already missed more than enough of them.
MICHIGAN-ADJACENT VIDEO OF THE DAY
Saturday’s football highlights: